We often come to couples counseling because we are clashing with our partner on one or more issues.  We think that if we could just get these relationship issues figured out, we would stop feeling hurt or upset.  But, usually the problem runs deeper than the apparent issues that cause difficulties for couples.  This deeper problem is disconnection, and it makes it so hard to work out any of the issues on the surface. If we do not feel safe and comfortable in the way we communicate, we can't work anything out.  It turns out that the most effective way to work out the "issues" is to learn how to stop the underlying communication patterns that cause disconnection and learn instead to communicate in new ways that build safety, understanding and connection.  When we feel understood, considered and cared for in our conversations with our partner, then we can usually resolve any issue.   

​

In other cases there are longer term hurts that we have tried to live with but simply can't bear any longer.  Couples that have experienced infidelity or other injuries to the basic security of the bond will need to start by rebuilding safety and security.  When there are attachment injuries, the repair process takes more time.  However if both partners are willing to fight for the relationship the outcome can be a renewal of connection that is stronger than it ever was before.